we have officially mastered the walk of shame
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
