i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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