I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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