You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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