dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
