A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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