I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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