What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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