Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
