Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
