even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize