So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
