Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
