Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
worst night to have a conscience
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
