dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
