theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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