God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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