I just gift wrapped bread.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
