I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Randomize
