last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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