im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
