Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
