I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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