Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize