I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
