You smell like a Billy Joel song
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize