Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
