i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
