i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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