Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
