Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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