I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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