I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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