I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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