sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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