Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
