our cab driver is having phone sex.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
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