shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
