What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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