I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
