You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Randomize
