Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Randomize