So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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