I bet he comes in French.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
