If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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