It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
