Capitaan dildo arrescate!
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
