there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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