I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize