i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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