Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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