the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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