You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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