why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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