Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
