i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
