how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
