this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
