She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
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