I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
