Don't make out with my wife yet
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
